Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I Wanna Monkey, but not Dane Cook's Monkey

This is for muh boy, MM.


"I was talking to this girl the other day, and she said, "All guys want is sex." And I go, "Look, finish blowing me, and we'll talk about this later." That's a lie. I just said that cause it's funny. She actually said that. She goes, "That's all guys want, Dane, is sex." I said, "Neh." I said, there are other things guys want besides sex, we're just a little embarrased to admit it. I'm putting it on the universe so that you can respect and understand us for who we are as men. For example, any guy here, more than sex, if they had the choice of sex or this thing, any guy here would rather be part of a heist. You know every time you watch the movie Heat, you think, "I wanna do that." You wanna be running down Main St. with an AK-47, yelling, "Where's the van? The van was supposed to be here." We want the guy on the computer who's like, "Dude, I need one more minute." "Where's the fucking van?" .... I wanna be a part of a heist, and I wanna get shot right here in the back of the leg. It stings, but it makes me look kinda cool. *gunshot* "Ah shit. I keep looking at the blood, going, "Nah, nah, nah, nah. Where's the van??!"

We wanna be a part of a heist, and there's something else we want, more than the heist, more than the sex, we'd love to have a monkey. A pet monkey. And people get mad; there's always that one anti-monkey guy in the area who's like, "Excuse me, I overheard you saying that you'd like to have a monkey, and that's a horrible idea. You do not want a monkey. " They're a monkey expert, and they start listing off all the reasons you can not have a monkey. "Let me tell you a few things, if I could. If I could just tell you a few things about monkeys. that you don't know before you jump to your conclusion. Ok, it's more than just bananas and dancing with toothbrushes, ok? First of all, they crap in their hands, and throw it around in a festive manner, in a celebration of monkey poop. They make faces that are unacceptable in human society."

And I hear these things, and I'm like, "That's why I want a monkey, all those reasons." I don't want a nice, little quiet monkey. I want an evil monkey, that I can dress in armor, give him a sword, have fights with him inside my place. How pumped would you be, driving home from work, knowing that somewhere in your house, there is a monkey that you are going to battle? That's awesome! You walk in. "AARRGGHHH (monkey noise)." "Monkey? You here? "AARRGGHH." "Where are you?" "ARRGHH, I'm in your closet." "Holy shit, you just talked!" "I know, I taught myself to talk." "This is incredibly odd." "I know, let's fight!" "OK."

This would be the ultimate. What if, after the heist, you jump into the van, and the monkey is driving the van! "Get in! We've got to go!" It makes me sad, cause I know it will never happen.

-Dane Cook